But, no energy to say it. I’m in a flare and it’s frustrating me no end.

Still doing Paul McKenna.

Started doing walk away the pounds, a gentle exercise tape. Very frustrated that I can’t do it at the moment, so found some chair yoga to do.

Had my MRI scan finally.

Joined an internet dating site.

Went to see a chiropractor today. Very interesting.

Confessed a secret that may get me in shitloads of trouble, but it was time and I feel better for it. When you rent out your property, you are supposed to let the mortgage company know as it’s a change in your contract. I didn’t.

Why?

Well when I looked at the paperwork, it’s an automatic no if you aren’t getting enough to cover the mortgage, which I’m not. I was scared and desperate so I didn’t say anything.

Why say anything now?

Well the redirection service of my mail comes to an end this month, and the only thing still going to my flat is the bloody mortgage statement. I also want to stop lying, I don’t like it, it doesn’t sit right with me.

I seem to have lost my motivation recently. Everything apart from sleep feels like a chore. I have things to work on and books to read, and yet, I’m mooching around the house doing absolutely bugger all.

Even writing this feels like loads of effort.

Motivation, I need you. Wherever you are please come home!!

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind the past few weeks. I’ve not been keeping up to date for various reasons,  and just not in the mood to write or think about the situation, I just wanted to deal with it. I stopped getting paid, my flat hadn’t been rented out, and my panic attacks have come back. I put plans into place, but it just felt like I was constantly worrying.

I’ve been trying to do the whole positive thinking thing, and I think that in some ways it really doesn’t help. Sometimes I really think it’s just best to say ‘Its rubbish’, and deal with it than trying to pretend everything is OK. I decided to try and get myself sorted out before my birthday.

I went to my doctor and asked for counselling, he has referred me and also gave me a book on prescription. It’s a scheme where you can go to the library and get out a self help book about whatever mental health problems you are suffering from. Funnily enough, the one he prescribed for me was already out.

My flat is rented out now, not for as much as before, but at least the bulk of it is off my hands as is the council tax which I was paying too.

I had an amazing time with friends and family for the entire weekend of my birthday. I was reminded again that even though I do feel like crap at times, that I have some fantastic people in my life.

I had my appointment this week with a neurologist, and I’m hoping this may give me some answers. I went there comepletely unprepared, I usually write down a list of symptoms and dates of what happened when and I didn’t this time.

Because I consider neurology nerves, I focused on telling him about my arm and neck, instead of giving him a complete run down which in hindsight was probably all wrong. They also have the reason I am not well completely wrong, and he did look a bit more responsive when I told him exactly what happened.

I struggled to remember what has happened in the past nearly 2 years. That is something I’m going to have to take up with my GP, because my memory is steadily getting worse to the point where I now have to walk with a notebook.

Anyway the neurologist went through the usual tests. He had students with him and in the way doctors are, he was quite brisk and ran through all the tests until he got to the arm reflexes and then repeated them several times.

He called the students forward and said ‘what is wrong with this?’, and done it again, they realised my left arm wasn’t responding to the reflex test. So now he’s sending me for a rescan of my neck as he wasn’t happy with scans I had already (‘these were definitely not done at this hospital’), and sending me for an EEG.

I’m happy that something is happening, but I absolutely refuse to get excited or tell anyone until I have some answers. I realised that one of the things that made the results of my MRI scan so upsetting is because I had talked about it so much and made it into something really big. I’m not making that mistake again.

I got the neck MRI scans on a CD and the accompanying radiologist report that I paid for. The plan was to show them to some alternative health specialists to see if they see something as I remember an osteopath telling me that orthopaedic surgeons only look for something to operate on.

Even reading the radiologists report was interesting. It says there is a significant reduction in cervical lordosis which is basically that the curve in my neck isn’t really there, it’s also called military neck. Not something that you can operate on, but something that can cause pain. There are conflicting reports about whether that can be corrected.

I’m going to wait now until I have all the scans done,  finish seeing the neurologist, and am thinking of saving up to see a rheumologist as well to rule out fibromyalgia before I buy the next set of scans.

And I’m really really down. I always have a bleak moment round my birthday for a couple of reasons, first being it’s usually my pmt week (lol), and the second because another year has past and I’m nowhere near being any closer to my dream of being married.

This year is really hard, all I’ve ever done is try to live right and here I am living in the single bed of my mothers house with only 2 months mortgage left before I have to get into debt. Yes other people out there have it harder, but I don’t really give a fuck to be honest.

Oddly, I don’t want to talk about it. I have found recently that I simply do not want to talk. Is it a bad or good thing?

Now I had a pair of trousers called period trousers. I’d only wear them leading up and on my period because it was the only time they would fit. Nowadays these trousers are the only things that seem to fit me. I wore them yesterday and realised that I needed to pull the belt a bit tighter! A minor setback though, I’ve lost my headphones (again) and can’t use the hypnosis bit, but the rules are so easy.

I have had those days where I have overate, but I recognised that I was emotional, and just moved on.

I bought the journal and hope it comes soon. There is a trial 14 days at the back of the book and it was nice. Could I have used a normal journal and wrote my own motivating stuff? Yes, Would I have used it? No.

We always read about how much using cash can curtail your spending compared to credit cards and I had a big reminder of that today. I went to the cash point and took out some money as I had to go and post a fairly important letter at post office and sent it recorded delivery. I also had to print the letter out at the library.

I also bought some of my favourite porridge (a cupboard basic), and some diamante hair pins for next weekend. The cash was practically gone! There was something else I was going to get and then decided that it could wait because I didn’t want to go home with no cash amazing eh?

Using cash can make you rethink your priorities… Sounds more like a queen to me!

Well the time has come, I’m officially completely on benefits.

Luckily I’ve been preparing for it and have a couple of mortgage payments saved, however it means I’m going to have to be really really strict with myself. I’ve got £25 a week for food, petrol etc. I was putting everything on my credit card to accrue cashback, but have been noticing that the bill is slowly creeping up with things I may not have bought if I had cash, so I’m going to go back to drawing out money every week instead.

I’m praying that my flat gets rented out soon though, however looking at the worse case scenario, I can give my flat to the council for a couple of years, or I can take a mortgage holiday. I’m giving it until near the end of October before I take up one of these options.

What I’ve started doing now is stocking up on the grocery basics I see on special offer so I know that even if I’m short one week, I can still eat fairly well.

I’ve got money set aside for my birthday weekend, now I know it seems odd to have money set aside for something when you’re struggling to pay bills, but I’m not going to be 30 again, and I do feel I need some enjoyment dammit.

That is going to be the one thing I do for myself this month, and I’m looking forward to spending it with friends and family.

I decided that I want to buy the Paul McKenna I can make you thin journal. Now before I had to start watching the pennies, I would have gone straight to Amazon. Now what I done was went to Amazon and as of today (29 September) it’s £8.49 however there is a used one in the market place for £4 including postage.

I then went to Play to see how the price compares to Amazon, and it’s also £8.49, but has one in its marketplace at £3.42.

If it was still around the £4 bracket, I would go to greenmetropolis.com to see if there is one there, as all the books are £3.75, but as I have one that is cheaper than that there’s no point.

Next stop is ebay, and I change the search so that the price and postage costs are at the lowest first. I was watching one that started at 99p, and then it went over the price of the one on Play.com.

I’ve now bought that one, saving myself £5.07.

When I was diagnosed with hidredentis suppurativa I was put on a 2 month course of antibiotics to see if it would work. Now these pills had a very welcome side effect. All the spots I had cleared up. I didn’t change my skin care routine, and all of a sudden, my skin was completely spot free, and perfect looking.

The course finished about a month ago, and the difference in my skin is amazing; not in a good way. I’ve got about 15 whiteheads on my face right now including a really painful one on my nose (I’m sure I’ll laugh about it in about 10 years time!) and part of my forehead looks like I’ve got a rash. I’ve done absolutely nothing different apart from finishing the course of antibiotics.

Now I know that good skin really does start from within, I’m motivated to restart taking my msm. When I took it regularly, my skin looked amazing.

As I said the day I got my laptop, I downloaded a few sites from recommendations. I thought I’d do a little update in how I’m finding them a month later.

First of all, I had to slap myself for forgetting an important programme… Skype! I can think of a few people I couldn’t speak to without it.

Abiword – I changed to openoffice because Abiword didn’t have a thesaurus. I’m happy with it, and looks so much like Word I forget I’m not using it. I can save documents in Word format, so it’s really handy.

Thunderbird – It took me a few goes, but I got it up and running, and I love it!

Workrave – I have to say, I haven’t played around with the settings, so I haven’t really used it as it was annoying me.

Picard – Took it off, it didn’t work for me at all.

Media Monkey – It is a good music player. I still haven’t learnt all the features yet though. I’ve just made a few playlists.