Slow and Steady

Going just one step too far.

Posted on: April 26, 2009

This weekend, I had promised a friend I would go round to hers on Saturday for a much needed catch up over a bottle of wine.

On Saturday afternoon, she text and asked if we could make use of the nice weather and go out for a drink instead, and I said yes, but asked if it could be a quick one as I’m watching the pennies.

We met at a new bar to the area, and had another friend join us at the last minute. We had a lovely evening, and as the bar closed, I was convinced to go to another bar.

Then it all went wrong. In hindsight, I should have just gone home here.

This place has a dance floor at the back, and while my back and neck weren’t hurting a lot, it was enough for me to decide to just sit down and observe rather than try to join in.

I got chatted up by a Cameroonian who kept trying to get me to dance. Then my friend got talking to a lovely guy, whose friends kept trying to get me up dancing.

At one point the Cameroonian actually pulled my arm which hurt so much, I cursed him out as I really didn’t like the invasion of my personal space.

Then one of the friends of the other guy stood there and said ‘why are you being so miserable? Come and dance’.

In the end, it got too much, and I left in tears.

Why?

I want to dance so badly. I cannot express how not dancing  me feel. It’s my form of expression, the way I get rid of a bad mood, the way I keep in shape.

Dancing makes me feel so alive and free. Of all the things I cannot do, not being able to dance is the most hardest to accept.

So going out and seeing people dance, and having to decline doing something that is as natural to me as breathing hurts.

As is having to constantly explain myself. I’m tired of having to go through the whole thing. I’m tired of the curious looks and stares I get when I walk/hobble in somewhere.

Yes I’m becoming more reclusive, but I don’t care.

But I do.

I’m lonely now more than ever. What I would really love right now is someone to cuddle up to. To tell me how beautiful I am and play with my hair.

I just don’t have the energy to try and talk to anyone right now.

*deep sigh*

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5 Responses to "Going just one step too far."

Just catching up on ur blog..and wanted to give u a big hug. If I couldn’t sing, it would be the way u feel re dancing….I understand. I don’t know if I shall ever scuba dive again- and I shall miss it, but my attitude to that is that I have done it, something I always wanted to do and achieved my advanced certifcate with Padi! And…if I can’t do it again at least maybe I can snorkel..unless that hurts my back too much…but with singing, like ur dancing…that’s my life, how i express things/get things out etc etc, like urself. Don’t give up hope that u will never do it again … and hard as it is…meanwhile, be happy that u have ur eyesight and ur ears to watch and listen to others…as some would love to just be able to do that. I know that doesn’t probably help, it is just another way to try to look at things to keep u from feeling so down.

Re ur stuff with the work…have u spoken to the DRC yet? U really need to find out if u are covered under that. OH have to always give the boss a time limit to keep them off our back (IE the 3 month timescale). My OH sends me a copy of the questions from my boss…and then sends me the referral that she sends to him. Without saying too much ‘here’ … all I can say is I really do not feel it’s in their interest to f&&& around with u..becoz after/if they do…. you’ll soon be getting an out of court settlement. Speak to another lawyer pls…an employment or medical one and get ur 1st half hour free. U need to get someone else involved in this…as they’d love this just to go away….and it’s not going to, IS IT!!!! Stay strong, although..I truly know it’s not easy a lot of the time.

I have news to tell u when we speak some which maybe useful to u now..or some point down the line. Also could u please do a blog or email me on the Blue Badge Service and what u have to go thru etc to apply for it and to be successful…if/when u have a moment.TY.

I have the whole weekend to myself inc last night *altho wasn’t meant to* so if u are up for chatting at any point..send me a text and let me know..so I can put pc on, incase it’s switched off if u skype me etc.

Sending u lots of love, from us all xxxxx If we don’t speak this weekend..hope we speak soon xxx take care xxx

Thank you for the response love. I know I’m lucky in many ways. I remember being at the pain clinic and shuffling down the hall cursing that I had to hold on to the rail and there was a guy coming towards me in a wheelchair. As we got close, we said hello and had a little chat, and he said to me ‘I hope I’ll be able to do what you are doing one day’, and that really humbled me.

However, like I say to my friends who start moaning about something that hurts, and then stop and say ‘I should shut up, because you’re dealing with worse’, your pain is your pain and if you’re feeling it, don’t be afraid to talk about it.
I was thinking about phoning ‘our’ solicitor to see what he says, but I think I’ll go back to my local law centre.

Looking at my notes from when I rang equality and human rights, I didn’t write down whether I was covered, but I wrote that they had to make reasonable adjustments and if they don’t they have to provide substantial reason why they haven’t. That would be a yes then?

I’ll write a little blog on blue badge, but I doubt it will be helpful as I got mine automatically when I was awarded high mobility DLA.

thanks for u reply pet. i say the same to others when they say “oh I shouldn’t moan about me.. i mean look at ur situ”…i say “ur pain is ur pain and it is causing u probs”…after all we are all different!

I had DLA mobility before and have just put in for it again…but would really appreciate ur assistance in writing up about what u had to go ‘thru’ re getting ur blue badge…as i’m going to put in for one .. it would be a great help.

Take care x

ps..i know drc changed their name..but before and after that happened..they gave me a reference number to use, if I had to call back…did u get that?

one thing i wanted to talk to u about was places having to make allowances/changes for staff/students etc to make them be able to complete their ‘duties’.

Also something else has entered my head..but will wait till we chat… don’t know if it will work in any way…but just something I’ve thought of, to poss give u some buying time.

ttfn x

[…] very special to me and is the thing that hurt me most to give up because of my chronic pain. I found this post from back in 2009 and cried as I read it. I remember how much it hurt not to dance. I can do a little now and even though HIIT may get me […]

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