Slow and Steady

The MRI results

Posted on: July 31, 2009

The scans  came back normal.

I am devastated. I really believed that the answers would be in those scans.

The reason why I was seen so quickly was because the consultant thought I was developing myleopathy which is an infection of the spinal cord.

Of course I didn’t want to have that condition, but I hoped I’d have something that could explain my pain.

As I sat in his office in tears, the poor man was looking desperately at the scans to find something that would stop me crying.

He said he was going to refer me on to a neurologist to see if they can see something from this scan that isn’t in his field of medicine. He also ordered that my lumbar spine is scanned because they didn’t do all of it.

I now find myself at a crossroads. Should I wait for the neurologist to have a look at my scans and wait for a lumbar spine scan and see if there are any answers, or start going down my alternative route which is trying a course of different types of therapy?

I’m honestly torn. I want to improve, however at the same time I want to know what the hell is going on. Part of me wants to do a private consult with a neurologist to see if they can see anything from my scans.

My 1st thought was the buy the scans and take them round to a private neurologist and ask some questions. Then I found out that the whole process of getting them could take a few weeks.

I went to stay in my empty flat for a few days while I tried to figure out what to do. Of course I had my well read copy of Value in the Valley, and the advice I’ve got from it is to be still and wait.

When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything! When you are not sure, not clear, don’t move. The time to get clear is that very moment  when your back is against the wall…. At this very  moment you are at your weakest… That is when you tell yourself STOP! I don’t know what to do here! I need help!

In times of confusion, we do not want to understand, we want to get out of the situation… You cannot reach true understanding from a place of mental and emotional distortion and panic. This is why you must stop. Get still… Once you are still, the brain slows down and you are able to gain some insight and understanding through the process of discernment

This is exactly what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk about it with anyone. I’m going to meditate on it every evening until I have my answer.

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2 Responses to "The MRI results"

Hi. I have read through your blog as I do often, as you know… and now I no longer no how to help you..other than listen if and when you ever want me too..

I, like you, have so many changes and things going on in my life, as you know. I am still learning to try and put me as no 1..and it’s not easy. You have been the only person, I have on occasions opened up to about my problems. Unlike yourself, I don’t have a massive strong network of support. I do have alot of people in my life, although not all close to my heart..in the way a true friend is. Without being the martyr here(if that’s how you spell it)…I haven’t analysed my condition for a long time and how I got here..I have accepted it and in my strong days *today is not on of them as I am low about something*

I have made changes for MY future. I spent a lot of time, over the last few years listening to others, and their problems.. thinking I could help them..feeling that helped me.. but as I find it hard to ask for help.. I have had to deal with everything pretty much by myself…but I have still got to where I am at. I hope I have helped those people along the way. I never give to get…but I sure see you my true friends are now…and I shall just keep plodding on doing what I do and somehow getting through this…as you will too. Why do we have blue badges? Why do we have DLA *well I had it before and you know am waiting again*..

I can tell you and anyone else reading, that from having been a healthy person to nearly dying.. believe you me, I would rather be healthy and not in a position where i am going to loose my job and I am having to try to cope with these changes. Blue badges and DLA are not given out willy nilly. There are hard processes to go through to achieve these, to filer out the people who are not genuine. I am shocked I have had to ask for a blue badge..but do you know what… I need it.. I’ve realised that and it will help me..I know that. Even after I came out of hospital, as at that time I wasn’t walking funny…people think oh nothing wrong with her is there! Now on my bad days..with my walking stick..I am humbled when people open doors for me…car doors you name it…whilst realising I have always done same when I have met someone else in similar situation.

A proud person I am.. but sometimes we just have to accept the help..and it has been appreciated. I don’t moan to anyone .. like yourself.. atm.. when I am low..I don’t speak to anyone *altho I have cried to u on one or maybe two occasions..where we have had a two way chat*… I have listened to you, as you have to me…. but do you know what.. I FEEL SO ALONE AT TIMES! I am fed up thinking about others and who the feck thinks about me! If I look good .. a bit of slap on and my walking aint bad that day.. people think i am at it! I have left my house twice in the past 3 weeks..once to asda and once to the docs! Is that someone who is fine?!?

Anyways..I am having a down day today…and your little quotes from your book are very helpful…and sori to hog ur blog, but I needed to let my steam off somewhere,lol!

If anyone thinks that I or you chose to be where we are in life, feck them, that’s what I say! I have pennies to live on. I didn’t ask to be in this situation. My situation could be worse…health wise..or just in general…. but it isn’t great. Health wise.. I hope to get better. The rest..It is only the way it is because I am survivor. One my darkest deepest days I would not be here anymore if it wasn’t for my angel..the one thing I treasure.

So..partially this rant if for me lol… partially it’s for you.. and partially it’s for anyone else reading this blog to see that sh*t happens and believe you me… no one would want to trade either of our lives, i bet! They have the guarantee of their wage/the roof over their head/happy life/social life/etc etc etc. Sadly and truly .. that’s what ‘we’ had.. and it can oh so quickly change….however other than get rid of oursevles..we need to get through this and its not bloody easy at times. Not knowing what the future holds and if you will be able to keep a roof over ur head etc/food on table etc isn’t nice.

I am sorry to rant…but I feel very alone and I have just been reminded that I need to put ME first. A situation has happened today, that has upset me.. me trying to help someone again and flung back in my face.. and then I have read this blog…and it’s just opened up this wound that aint healed yet.

I am so used to people just thinking I am fine because I don’t like to moan/upset people..I don’t tell people eg that I haven’t left the house *until i told whoever reads this*… so people just think my life is fecking hunky dory..and that i am always strong.. well it aint and I’m not.

Sori if I am one who has mentioned re pay out to you.. I feel that me and any of your other friends feel that you should be entitled to one. From my point and probably from yours friends point of view…at NO point did I …as I am sure they, feel that ‘that’ would make it all better. I for one, have been trying to support you and make sure you get what is due to you…to hopefully secure your future, financially…as you didn’t ask for this.

I know how much you like the things you like.. I won’t say what as blog is private .. but the big thing u love to do… Believe me..if your dad can’t see that cannot even do that anymore.. then he needs a reality check…because I know you love that so much and you would rather be doing that than suffering.
Take care and bye for now.

Hey gorgeous,

Glad you felt you could rant on here, and hope you feel better after that! x x x

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