Slow and Steady

Working on the ‘healthy’ from the inside.

Posted on: August 1, 2009

Since I came back from staying in my empty flat, I’ve decided to commit to a few minutes every evening of reading, praying and meditating.

I have asked for guidance and clarity for many months now, and it hasn’t been forthcoming.

What I have realised over the past couple of nights is that although I’ve said the words, I’ve not had faith that it will actually happen. I kept trying to figure out the answers instead of just stopping and trusting that I will get what I need when its time.

One thing that I’ve had come up in my quiet time, is that even if my inner voice was talking, I’ve been so loud, and speaking so much I wouldn’t have heard it anyway.

I need to shut up.

Talking in fine detail about my problems over and over isn’t actually helping me. Since I had the results back, I’ve had my phone off and I feel so much better for it. I haven’t been analysing every little detail and talking different types of treatments and situations.

I’ve had some wonderful advice from friends and family, but because I haven’t centred myself, I don’t know what to filter out and what to listen to.

I’ve been running round researching or trying out all the ideas I’ve been given, not just in case they work for me, but also to please whoever has given me the advice. In my mind because they’ve taken the time to think about it and tell me,  I feel obliged to try it.

When I put my phone back on, I’ll be telling everyone that my health issues aren’t up for discussion anymore. I have tried this before, but then when I felt down I would… Damn even writing this is showing me how far I strayed from my spiritual base.

I have not looked into myself for help for a long time.
This is not going to go down well with some members of my family, but at some point, you have to put yourself first. Once I feel centred enough to take advice, then I will.

I know it sounds silly, but I’m a bit nervous of actually doing this. In my healthy days this is something I just did, but being ill has shaken my confidence so much, I don’t feel like I can trust myself.

This is why my daily meditation is so important. I need to get my trust back.

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