Slow and Steady

I’m blind

Posted on: August 10, 2009

“I may never do my job again”

I finally said the words to my mum.

My relationship to my mother has always been odd. I was bought up my granny, call her mum and call my mum a shortened version of her name. It’s funny because calling her by her full name feels disrespectful.

Anyway…Our relationship is an odd one, and part of me has always felt the only reason my mum talks to me is for the benefits that comes with my type of work.

One of the things that came up with my counsellor is that without those benefits, my mum and I would eventually stop talking.

I had a meeting with work today and I think I have now accepted for the first time I really may never go back to my official job again.

When I said that to mum, she rolled her eyes and went ‘duh, anyone can see you’re not going back to that’.

Now this isn’t the first time that someone has expressed that sentiment. Most of my friends talk about my job in the past tense, but from my mum?

I must really have been walking around with blinkers on if she can accept that I’m not going to do my job again.

=====================================================

As mentioned above, I had a meeting with work today. The union rep came along and it was, I feel, a productive meet.

They were able to see my point on some things that I have tried to explain, but felt they never truly understood.

In coming here, they were going to take the train, but after trying to plan a route, they realised that it was not an easy journey on public transport. They then decided to come by car, got stuck in traffic and and got here an hour late. I have been trying to explain for ages that the travel is a big problem in terms of ease and cost. I’m glad that they have managed to see it first hand.

We had a fairly long meeting, and in a nutshell, I have decided to try and do light duties one day a week to see exactly how much I can manage. I have searched online and found that there is an incentive to get disabled people to work called Access to Work, and they can cover your travel costs.

I had sent off for information a while back, it didn’t come and I forgot about it. I’m going to chase that up, and see if they can cover the cost. If not, then the rep said she’d ask if the company can cover it, but told me not to get my hopes up.

There are a couple of reasons I’ve decided to try light duties:

  • Honestly, I don’t think I can do it, but want to be seen as trying. Like the car journey they seem to only understand what they see, and so if I’m seen struggling, they’ll get it.
  • I want to know how much I can manage. One of the things I’m scared about in terms of my contract being terminated is that I’m unemployable. I can use this to find out exactly how much I can manage in a day. If I end up being sacked, I’ll know what I can apply for and what my limitations are.

This is all about me fact finding than trying to please the company. I’ve been praying and meditating on this for a while, and the answer popped out while we were talking.

If Access to Work can’t help me, and the company cannot pay for my transport, then I’ll be in the section of the disciplinary process where they park long term sick people. I was assured that if I can’t do it, I won’t be sacked by December, that it is a long process and there are plenty of steps before that final one.

I feel a bit lighter in my spirit now a decision has been made. If only I could be lighter in weight! I so cannot fit into my uniform!

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