Slow and Steady

Lost: Motivation. If found please return to me.

Posted on: October 23, 2009

I seem to have lost my motivation recently. Everything apart from sleep feels like a chore. I have things to work on and books to read, and yet, I’m mooching around the house doing absolutely bugger all.

Even writing this feels like loads of effort.

Motivation, I need you. Wherever you are please come home!!


1 Response to "Lost: Motivation. If found please return to me."

Hello.. as you know I’ve not read your blog for a lil while. Sorry for that. xxxx
Short n brief petals.. but what you have said, that’s just like myself (as I think you know what I’m like atm and have been for a while now).. and sadly it’s the depression kicking in:-(

No motivation to do things!!!! Tis easy just to sleep away the hours or go on facebook and just block out the things we MUST DO.. and even block out the things *like your lists*, that are WANT TO DO’S.

One thing is though.. you have, imo, shown a very high amount of motivation throughout the last, nearly 2 years *OMG* …..and you have done so well.. but sadly, again.. even the strongest person can’t always be strong – anymore, or all the time… long term troubles, eventually bring us down.. and we lack motivation to do even the smallest thing, as it seems like a steep hill to climb. You may still get good and bad days, which I had.. but for the moment… I am now at the point, like yourself..where my good and strongs days, just don’t seem to be here. I can still talk to someone, eg on the phone, my friends on facebook etc…and they would never know..when I’m ‘up to doing that’ but it doesn’t get ‘the important stuff’ done – THE MUST DO’S!!! 😦

When we next talk, I’ll give you my latest update – but, for sure, I can seriously see, now, where exactly depression can take you to.. and it’s not a place I like, or have been to before *sadly it’s not a sunny destination*.. and without ‘help’, everything really can spiral out of control….EVERYTHING…and through something happening, last week.. thankfully I will have ‘caught’ things, as such, in time…thankfully because a lil angel, on the other side of the phone, has done something, to help me. Sorry to sound vague.. but will tell you when we next speak. The know the place I went to recently, that I was telling you about and was like ‘wtf’.. well I’ve cried and held my hand up, in front of this person and said – for the first time.. NOT EASY TO DO..”I need help”. Ask for it, via the right channels, and it will come to you.. if things get to that point – which I hope they don’t for you. One thing is great, is that even although I am like this, as you know, I no longer smoke or drink. Wierd but I don’t need it – and at the end of the day – drink is a depressant anyways. How I’ve done that – I really don’t know…but I am so glad I have as I don’t miss it at all.

I somehow, always try to make a joke of things eg “Hey I’ve got a blue badge now – free and easy parking” Mmm……if only I had somewhere to go, other than a supermarket to use it – if only my health would allow me to ‘get out’ etc!!! So again, on a positive note, although not ideal….try look on the bright side.. I know you want to loose weight & have been trying, and like yourself *you probably have* I have a large bottle of water next to my bed – the bed, I spent all of last week in – day and night – moving from the last few months of the sofa, onto/into the bed!!!!

All this time I’ve known you… I don’t know whether you are like myself and don’t eat when you’re down .. or this ‘new’ thing I’ve had for so long .. aka depression (kinda same but bigger) .. which IS an illness … down days are different.. and I now really know that *always thought it.. just hadn’t experiened it and when peeps said they felt depressed.. they were actually having an ‘off day’ – if you know what I mean. IE I used to hear people saying “oh I feel depressed” and they were just having an off day. DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS and what you and I have been through, it’s no wonder that it’s hit us – sad but true. Am I making sense here?!?! My point being – if you’re like me, you won’t eat and you’ll loose 2 stone in just over 3months ?!!? Good or bad, who knows, but hey the weight has gone.

However, if you are a person who eats when they are down, then that’s a different story. I could afford to loose that weight and even some more wont harm me – although I worry just how much am I going to loose, although, it makes me happy *in a wierd way* that I am now slimmer. If you ‘pig out’ when you are down, that is going to make you feel, probably more depressed, which we don’t want.

Sorry.. I am really tired – had to use my ‘energy’ on Halloween and no food equals no energy and my body mentally and physically are now suffering…oh and I’ve got a croaky voice too lol!! That sexy husky one that certain people, at work used to enjoy listening too hee hee, when I did my ‘live shows’, over the ‘mic’ at OUR work – if you know what I mean, without saying to much – or prior to that I did it via telephone, for OUR work.

I’m digressing.. not like me, is it hee hee!!!

I believe you are, from memory already on amatrip – which I’ve now been given for pain – but my brain fog won’t allow me to remember if you are on anti depressants. They certainly helped lower my stress levels and I take my ‘sparkles’ now alot less to help with my pains, in between the 4hours or when I feel the ‘need’ to take them – but sadly the happy pills don’t suddenly .. like .. when they kick in .. make you MR *or Miss* Motivator.

I can’t offer you advice, as I’m in the same situation, mentally.. other than say that the ‘people’ that I told you about are going to try help, in a few things – one I know of *that happens this Thursday and will take a massive weight of my head and shoulders and mind* – the rest I’ve yet to find out. I can offer empathy though and you know, I’m always here for you….even in my darkest moments.

As said earlier, in this tired post – you have done so much to try to ‘improve’ things. I’m watching what I say – and now your mind and body is probably saying – “well I’m not exactly moving forward” and of course, like myself there is the worry of the future. All I can say on that note, and lets just hope it’s true, is that I believe everything happens for a reason and our book, in life, has been written for us….for us to follow it. My love for angels has now, I feel, bringing me closer to GOD. I feel GOD knows we are strong people ….he has saved us for a reason – and he is busy helping people who need him more, than we do, atm – and occasionaly he just adds a little bit more onto us, as he feels we can cope. I look on things, as a learning curve too. EG my recent crap at what I joined.. and the hassles I had – well . one day I want, as I think you know, to help people who have had the same ‘illness’, or similar…… and I feel, this ‘incident’ has opened my eyes up to how others can be – and I feel I shall be able to relate more to someone, if they say similar/same-ish has happened to them. MY point being – somehow I try to see a positive in everything…. but on my darkest days this is SOOOOO very hard to do.

I can only empathise, my friend and be there for you, as always – and pray that you can get through this – albeit there is no overnight cure and …..not to make this post about ‘me’…. but we have both got similar situations to face – and we both know we still have ‘that’, yet to come, which is not easy. BUT HEY.. as said many times, if we didn’t have that ‘connection’ we would never have met – so I look at that being one of the positives, along with the enjoyment I have had throughout the years prior to taking unwell.

What happened to ‘brief’ – lol!!! I am sorry if this makes no sense… I hope it does – as I say – I can empathise completely and all I know is to seek help from your Doctor and the people you have paid your taxes to all this time. I didn’t ask for that help – it has come to me – and for the first time, standing up, holding my hand up and crying, and saying ‘I need help’ – d’ya know what – as upset as I was – it felt good to say that – as I’ve never asked for help in my life, as such….other than maybe a listening ear. The first stage is to recognise there is a ‘probem/situation’ (whatever the right word to use here, I don’t know) – and then the 2nd stage “asking/looking for help, from the RIGHT people” is imo – the hardest part ….. but it’s the beginning of hopefully finding the old you – you has now got new learnings in life – and the old you will be a new you…. whatever that may be. I’ve already told ya – you soon find out who your true friends are, when you go through a life changing situation – but to now know that ‘someone’ is going to help me, has made me feel so much better, lighter (ie weight off shoulders). There is help out there … which we don’t know about unless we go look. I didn’t go look – my Doctor has helped…. this little angel has helped when something happened last week – and now I feel, hopefully, that this will help me find the new me ….. and/or give me strength to get through the next stage of hurdles.

To end…. my apologies if this makes no sense. I am not purposely trying to talk about ‘me’ in this post. I purely cannot just sit here and give you advice on what to do! People that are not going through ‘this’ or similar’ , imo ‘CAN’T’. They will say things, to try to help – but you and I both know, that eg do this / do that,is the last thing we need right now – we can only do what we want, when we can, if we can. To know ‘we’ are not alone in how we feel – I feel is the best thing and also empathy is what is required here – not sympathy. We can’t put our friends down for trying to help. If someone has not ‘been here/there’ – how and why would they know what to say to you/me – they are only trying to help. I just want you to know – I understand – fully….and it’s not easy, whatsoever.

So I won’t say ‘I hope you feel better soon’ – as I know it’s, sadly * I keep using that word*, not that simple – but I can try help you with guidance of where I have been directed to – and maybe that might help in someway – I’ve yet to find out. Thursday is something I could never have predicted and it is really going to be a massive massive help to me. So – when you speak to ‘officials’ eg people dealing with money/important things etc’ – just be you – the you that you are just now. When we speak – this will all make sense… ie what I am going on about. THE HARDEST THING IS TO ASK FOR HELP…..ALSO WHO DO WE ASK FOR HELP…. BUT IF YOU’VE RECOGNISED YOU NEED HELP – THAT IS ONE STEP CLOSER.

I am sending you, as always, much love, from your 2 stone lighter friend!!!! Somehow, as I’ve mentioned to you in our chats, we started together, on our journeys *lol literally* and will no doubt end our ‘journeys’ after the same ‘final destination – but look what came out of it – US:-) For that, I will be forever and ever grateful.

Lots of love to you. xxxxxxxxx You know where I am – and you know, as I know you – even although we feel this way – we don’t make each other miserable when we ‘hook up’ – even although we talk about everything. Always here pet – always xxxxx GOD BLESS … AND ANGELS PROTECT, ALWAYS. YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON:-) and let’s hope that one day you (and I) can look back at all of this and realise, somehow, just what that reason was. Much Love to you my friend. xxxx

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