Slow and Steady

So apparently I need to make out I’m dead…

Posted on: September 25, 2010

That’s what my counsellor has said.

Well no actually, I’m slightly exaggerating (drama queen? Me? Never!)

He said I need to let myself grieve for the me who has gone.  Because even if I became pain free tomorrow,  life wouldn’t go back to how it was before. He’s right, it wouldn’t. I’m so scared of allowing myself to get upset, because honestly… I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying

I’ve been in pain since Wednesday. It didn’t help that the cab driver drove like an idiot all the way home on Wednesday.

I saw my doctor yesterday and begged him for help. Bless him, he’s not very good with tears, but he did his best and referred me to a rheumatologist, he doesn’t believe they’ll find anything though.

He said ‘you’re clutching at straws you know’. I asked him whether or not he’d clutch on straw after being in pain for 2.5 years, he didn’t answer, wrote out the referral and faxed it as well as sending it out by post.

He gave me more pills, and asked me loads of questions about my job, like if I get on with the people, and if the work is hard. I think that he was trying to see whether or not I’m making excuses to go back off sick.

I told him how much I was enjoying it, and showed him the text message I got from my manager there thanking me for my work.  He said that I’ve done really well to get myself back, and that I should keep trying at work as it’s only been 2 weeks.

I agree, I think I need to do it for about 4 weeks to make a proper assessment. I’m very concerned that I’ve stopped swimming because of this though. I don’t want my health to get worse for that company, as they sure as hell aren’t thinking of me.

It’s funny, all the time I’ve been questioning if swimming helps, and now I haven’t been, I’ve noticed that my body feels sore and tense. So it’s actually keeping me from feeling more pain. I know now that I’m not going in vain.

I’ve been doing callanetics, and it’s quite nice. It works some really deep muscles because when I did it one evening,(TMI coming up…) I nearly bought back up my dinner, and it was a good few hours after! I’ll be doing them on a empty stomach from now on.

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