Slow and Steady

This is my confession

Posted on: November 18, 2012

On Friday 17th November 2000, I left Harvester to go home as I had an early start at the next day. I saw a missed call from my friend Constance. I decided to wait and call her the next day. Instead of me phoning her back. I got another call. A call to say that she, along with 3 other people were dead in a car crash. Constance has a big family, and when I got to her house I was struck by how empty it was. That was when I heard the full story.

The call I missed was Constance inviting me to a wedding in Holland with her family.  A minivan was booked, but she was in a car with her two cousins and their friend. That empty space in the car was for me. If I had answered/returned the call, I would have definitely without doubt been in the car. How can I be so sure? Because I had a crush…

One of Constance’s cousins was lovely. I thought he was nice looking as well as a lovely person. I had only met him once, and every time there was a chance to see him again, I missed it as I was always at work. I promised that the next event come hell or high water I was going to be there.

A weekend in Holland with him? My idea of heaven. I would have happily gone sick at work for that.

After hearing the story, my sadness was tinged with a feeling of relief. At first, I tried to compensate that by being extra upset. I was round her house a lot with her mum. Slowly though, the relief kept rearing its head so I went the other way. I started downplaying our friendship in my mind and stopped talking to her mum. Even now, unless I’m reminded there are things about our friendship I’ve forgotten. It hit me recently and suddenly it feels like I’ve just lost her all over again.

I wanted to publish this on fb, but it isn’t about me today, it’s about you, Peter, Noel and Mark.

I feel as though I have to publicly say this though.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for forgetting how much you meant to me. I’m sorry for not contacting your mum as much as I should have. I’m sorry for the years I’ve forgotten your birthday and the anniversary of your passing. I can’t do much about the past, but I can try harder in the future. I love you Longstance and no matter what my behaviour showed, that has never and will never change.

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