Slow and Steady

Posts Tagged ‘Personal

On Friday 17th November 2000, I left Harvester to go home as I had an early start at the next day. I saw a missed call from my friend Constance. I decided to wait and call her the next day. Instead of me phoning her back. I got another call. A call to say that she, along with 3 other people were dead in a car crash. Constance has a big family, and when I got to her house I was struck by how empty it was. That was when I heard the full story.

The call I missed was Constance inviting me to a wedding in Holland with her family.  A minivan was booked, but she was in a car with her two cousins and their friend. That empty space in the car was for me. If I had answered/returned the call, I would have definitely without doubt been in the car. How can I be so sure? Because I had a crush…

One of Constance’s cousins was lovely. I thought he was nice looking as well as a lovely person. I had only met him once, and every time there was a chance to see him again, I missed it as I was always at work. I promised that the next event come hell or high water I was going to be there.

A weekend in Holland with him? My idea of heaven. I would have happily gone sick at work for that.

After hearing the story, my sadness was tinged with a feeling of relief. At first, I tried to compensate that by being extra upset. I was round her house a lot with her mum. Slowly though, the relief kept rearing its head so I went the other way. I started downplaying our friendship in my mind and stopped talking to her mum. Even now, unless I’m reminded there are things about our friendship I’ve forgotten. It hit me recently and suddenly it feels like I’ve just lost her all over again.

I wanted to publish this on fb, but it isn’t about me today, it’s about you, Peter, Noel and Mark.

I feel as though I have to publicly say this though.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for forgetting how much you meant to me. I’m sorry for not contacting your mum as much as I should have. I’m sorry for the years I’ve forgotten your birthday and the anniversary of your passing. I can’t do much about the past, but I can try harder in the future. I love you Longstance and no matter what my behaviour showed, that has never and will never change.


I don’t really like forwards. Emails, texts, I just find them a bit odd. Yes some of the subject is nice, but why add on the ultimatum at the end? And why say to send it back to the person who sent it to you to show care?  That could have you sending it back and forth to the same person all day! LOL

So I generally just delete them from people who only ever send me forwards, and read the ones from people I care about. I never forward them on to others, unless they are really poignant. When I first read this forward, I did actually cry because it was so significant to me at the time.

Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her.

Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, ‘I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I’ll be all alone’.

Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, ‘I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?’

‘No way!’, replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend,’I loved you all my life. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?’

‘No!’, replied the 3rd boyfriend. ‘Life is too good! When you die, I’m going to marry someone else!’

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, ‘I have always turned to you for help and
you’ve always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?’

‘I’m sorry , I can’t help you out this time!’, replied the 2nd boyfriend. ‘At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.’

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: ‘I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you no matter where you go.’

The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, ‘I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!’

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:

Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go.

Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of Heaven and continue with you throughout Eternity.


Last week, I was a bit concerned as I wasn’t going to the loo, and because I was bloated. This week I decided to really up my water intake, and it worked for my bowel movements. Still bloated though, gonna have to work on that one.

The flush itself was quite easy to do last week. I think I’m getting use to it. I don’t have scales, and completely forgot to measure myself when I started. I’ll use my old measurements, and measure myself once a month.

I’m running into a problem though, the whey protein is very very expensive (well for me). I can’t afford to keep buying it seems to run out after 2 weeks… The plan is supposed to be for 12 weeks! I have some amazon vouchers, so that will do for the moment, but what to do after? I think I may just make the 3 days all fruit all day, then salad with some protein  like turkey.



Now last weekend, I went to stay with a friend to celebrate her birthday. She’s my longest friend, and our friendship has always involved food! Before my accident, we’d not speak often, but spend a weekend in the year together cooking. So we decided to make all our favourite dishes. By Sunday, I was looking forward to doing the fruit flush!

The days went well, but today (day 3) I’m bloated and constipated. My stomach is distended and achy and I haven’t been to the loo since Tuesday (I started on Wednesday).  Well as I was leaving work, the receptionist lovely girl, gave me a piece of cake for her birthday. I ate it and by the time I got home I was bursting to go! So it seems fruit and veg make me constipated,and fatty stuff make me go? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way round? I remember this happening when I was at work, but I just put it down to working odd hours.

I’m starting to think I have IBS or something, but I don’t wanna give up everything 😦

Apparently apple cider vinegar and honey, along with acidophilus helps, so I’m going to try one more week of the fruit flush and see how it goes. Now I think about it, I may not have had enough water either.  It says no herbal tea when you’re doing the flush, but I might use the fennel and peppermint tea I have in the house as well.

Any other suggestions?

This week was the anniversary of my accident, and it still hurts. It’s hurts that my life changes without my say so. It hurts that I’m still in pain everyday. It hurts that I’m scared of damn near everything.

I switched my phone off, and cried, read and cried some more.  At some point, I said to myself, ‘why are you crying? You’re alive! Your old life is dead, but who cares? Get another one’. So then I started asking God to show me why I didn’t die? Obviously there was a reason, but it surely can’t be to just live in pain. I’ve not been THAT bad.

I can’t explain what happened next, but I just felt very calm, and decided that the day will be a celebration day instead. I’ll do something nice for myself, by myself.

The cough still hasn’t gone. It’s less painful in my back, and for that I’m very very thankful for.

The weekend was horrid. I couldn’t sleep for more than about 3 hours without waking up coughing. My mum had to help me out of the bed to get to the bathroom because I couldn’t do it alone. A friend of mine phoned me at about 6 in the morning after seeing my facebook status update, and I couldn’t even cry properly because it was so painful.

So where’s the positive bit? Well last week I decided that instead of trying to loose weight in the New Year, I wanted to get to my preferred weight before the New Year. I’ve got a dress I want to wear on New Years eve, and have it hanging on my wall as motivation.

I know I can’t exercise everyday, it hurts my back and neck, so have been contemplating different diets, and even fasting. I used to fast once a year before my accident.

I’ve been given a long term course of antibiotics as my HS (note, link may be TMI for some. You may not want to read it if you’re eating/have just eaten) has flared up again, and wanted to get some probiotics to replace the good bacteria the antibiotics will be killing.

I went to Holland and Barrett, and got talking to one of the employees about wanting to lose weight. She first suggested the most expensive thing of course, but when I refused she showed me Tonalin CLA,which I decided to buy. Here’s some information on it.

CLA is a newly recognised supplement derived from natural safflower oil. CLA or Conjugated Linolic Acid is found naturally in a variety of foods. Over the past decade, however, our changing dietary patterns have diminished those foods high in CLA content. Tonalin offers a rich source of conjugated linoleic acid from the oil of the safflower to supplement the diet naturally.

When you consume fat that your body does not need to use for energy, it is absorbed by fat cells with the help of an enzyme called lipoprotein lipase. CLA blocks this enzyme and diverts unused fat to your muscle cells. The CLA then activates another enzyme which helps your muscle to burn this fat, especially during exercise.

That’s why, when used in balance with a healthy diet and regular exercise program, Tonalin® CLA is so effective in helping you lose body fat, and keep it off.

Because it is so effective, Tonalin® CLA can also help eliminate the unhealthy “yo-yoing” pattern of losing and gaining weight. Clinical studies have proven that Tonalin® can prevent fat regain.

Since I’ve had this cough, my body doesn’t want food at all. Even tea is too much so I’ve just been drinking water. It’s like I’m fasting, and I’m loving it. It feels like my system is having a complete rest. I’ve been sleeping, reading, doing the very basic of stretches, and listening to music. When I try and have a conversation I end up in fits of coughs so I’m not answering my phone. I’m in my own little retreat. As I get better, I’m going to continue having just water, then increase my stretches. I think this is going to get me into my New Year’s eve dress!

I gave myself an angel card reading a few weeks back and turned the messages in screen savers. One in particular describes this situation perfectly.

I certainly didn’t expect to lose weight by having a cough!

Negative in positive. Loving it, and thanking God for making it possible.

I think about dying a lot. I imagine the last words I’d say to friends and family, and how I pass away.

I had a stark reminder though this week, that like most things in life, death can come at any time without much warning.

Last Sunday my Mum’s pastor was at his church as normal. A fellow Pastor was celebrating an anniversary at his own church,  so my Mum’s Pastor went home, and then left out to pick up some people to take to the other church. On the way, he started having severe chest pains. They were so bad that he pulled over,  knocked on a strangers’ door and asked them to call an ambulance because he thinks he‘s having a heart attack. They came, and he died on the way to the hospital. As the word started spreading, there were people who flat out refused to believe it because ‘I just saw him an hour ago’.

The thought of dying alone, in pain and not having the chance to say goodbye, makes me cry.

I know that when it’s someone’s time, then they have to go, but we can’t all help thinking that if he had put the same effort into losing weight as he did into enriching the lives of others, he might still be here to see his children graduate.

Tomorrow truly isn’t promised.


Rest in peace Pastor Phil x x x