Slow and Steady

Posts Tagged ‘swimming

That’s what my counsellor has said.

Well no actually, I’m slightly exaggerating (drama queen? Me? Never!)

He said I need to let myself grieve for the me who has gone.  Because even if I became pain free tomorrow,  life wouldn’t go back to how it was before. He’s right, it wouldn’t. I’m so scared of allowing myself to get upset, because honestly… I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying

I’ve been in pain since Wednesday. It didn’t help that the cab driver drove like an idiot all the way home on Wednesday.

I saw my doctor yesterday and begged him for help. Bless him, he’s not very good with tears, but he did his best and referred me to a rheumatologist, he doesn’t believe they’ll find anything though.

He said ‘you’re clutching at straws you know’. I asked him whether or not he’d clutch on straw after being in pain for 2.5 years, he didn’t answer, wrote out the referral and faxed it as well as sending it out by post.

He gave me more pills, and asked me loads of questions about my job, like if I get on with the people, and if the work is hard. I think that he was trying to see whether or not I’m making excuses to go back off sick.

I told him how much I was enjoying it, and showed him the text message I got from my manager there thanking me for my work.  He said that I’ve done really well to get myself back, and that I should keep trying at work as it’s only been 2 weeks.

I agree, I think I need to do it for about 4 weeks to make a proper assessment. I’m very concerned that I’ve stopped swimming because of this though. I don’t want my health to get worse for that company, as they sure as hell aren’t thinking of me.

It’s funny, all the time I’ve been questioning if swimming helps, and now I haven’t been, I’ve noticed that my body feels sore and tense. So it’s actually keeping me from feeling more pain. I know now that I’m not going in vain.

I’ve been doing callanetics, and it’s quite nice. It works some really deep muscles because when I did it one evening,(TMI coming up…) I nearly bought back up my dinner, and it was a good few hours after! I’ll be doing them on a empty stomach from now on.

I’ve finally started counselling! I’m so happy because although it’s good to talk to your friends, I feel like a counsellor is seeing me for who I am now, instead of who I used to be. There are also things I just wouldn’t talk to my friends about.

I’m doing CBT this time and it’s very different to the counselling I’ve had before. It’s not just me sitting on a couch talking, it’s very interactive and he challenges me when I say something that sounds too negative. Saying that though, he listens and will accept I have a point. I get set homework some weeks.

It’s made me realise that I’m really not very nice to myself. I kept a thought diary and wow! I would never talk to my friends the way I talk to myself. I’m making a real effort now to be mindful of what I’m thinking.

He pointed out this week that when I’ve slept, I have much more positive attitude to when I don’t.  He said that when I’m tired, I’m really really negative, and so part of my homework for this week is to make 2 different types of sleep routines. One for normal everyday use, and the other for flare ups. After that flare up at work, I came home and slept, then got up in the night until daybreak, and then had to wake up to see him.

After thinking about it I’ve come up with an interesting discovery. For the past few weeks, I’ve not been able to use my laptop because the charger stopped working. I sent it back as it was under warranty, and they apparently sent one out and it didn’t turn up… I’m sure you can figure out the rest.

So the only time I could get online is when I went downstairs, which I don’t tend to do often, and my sister is usually on it anyway. I had a few flare up in that time, and all I could do was take my meds,  read or listen to this hypnosis mp3 I’ve got on my phone. I’d eventually get back to sleep in someway.

For the flare up that happened this week, I took my meds, and then went online. Now I wasn’t doing anything productive at all. Even though I took my meds, I still didn’t fall asleep quickly and I think it’s because I’m up using the computer. So for the next month, I’m going limit my laptop usage and see what difference it makes to my sleep pattern. I haven’t decided on a time yet, I’m going to have a play about and see what is the best for me.

The other part of my homework is to write a little bit each day of how I’m feeling, and how the day went, even if nothing in particular happened. I think I’ll do that, then turn off the lappy and start my evening routine.

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Swimming.

My instructor went away for the summer, and I went swimming twice a week for most weeks. She was very impressed with my progress when she came back. I feel a bit looser than before, and flare ups are happening less often which I’m pleased about.

My skin – My acne is definitely stress related. Up until Tuesday, it was clearing up really nicely. When I woke up after my flare up at work, I had a whole new set of spot. *kisses teeth*

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Teaching – I was a bit anxious about whether or not it had been worth me doing the teaching course because the awful flare up I had in the last few weeks of the course. I did find some voluntary work teaching English on a 1 to 1 basis. I seem to be the only one on my course that has used the qualification so far. The person I was teaching has gone off to college now, so I have a new person who can’t read at all! I’ve been reading up on teaching reading skills, and I’m excited yet very nervous.

My swimming teacher has finally let me stop doing exercises and do laps. I did three today, and boy am I feeling  it now! She has said that from now on I’ll have to do 6 laps, and then we start on my usual strengthening exercises. I’m so excited, but also really nervous because I’m feeling so bad today. I’m sure it’ll all be worth it in the end!

But my body is soooo achy!

I went to the pool today, to practise what I learnt in my lesson, and even in the water my neck was hurting. I’m not stopping though. Today I saw myself in the mirror and I was shocked. I’ve never seen myself like that before. I’m so big, and got cellulite everywhere! I just wanted to cry.

In my lesson and again today, I couldn’t make it up the stairs to get out, so needed that bloody chair lift thing. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I’m struggling with it. I’m struggling with it all.

*deep sigh*

Since the disaster of a swimming lesson last year, I’ve been on the hunt ever since. All the local pools operate this weird policy for one to one swimming lessons. They take your details and put it in a box, and then the swimming instructors look in the box if they want to do private lessons. So you are left waiting, no specific answer, no follow up calls, nothing. Absolutely ridiculous.

I started looking to see if I could do classes in a private gym pool, but you had to be a member. Then I found a private one to one teacher, and she was only 30p more than the ones in the local pool. I emailed her and started a back and forth conversation for about a month. Then we played phone tag missing each others calls.

Finally we booked Monday as our day. I was so excited. I got there and she sat down with me and took a full health history. She also asked me about my level of swimming and what it was I wanted to achieve. Then we got into the water and started the lesson. She made me stretch first, and made me promise the moment I felt even a twinge I let her know. She was funny, and really strict. She told me a bit about herself and she is trained to teach disabled children, and her daytime profession was a psychologist! She was very encouraging and so positive.

The first lesson was about breathing right, and she said that it’s the most important thing to learn in swimming. It was amazing! I did find it a little difficult, but it started to become easier and easier every time I did it.

At the end of the lesson she told me what goals she was going to set for me. She’s going to help me devise a stroke that won’t make my back and neck hurt. She also said she thinks for me to get the best out of the lessons, I should go to the pool alone 1 day as well as having her class. She gave me some stretches to do immediately after the lesson so I’d hurt less the next day.

She was just so nice, and I felt really comfortable with her.

I was in agony yesterday, and still sore today, but I’m still really happy with my lesson. It felt amazing being in the water again. I felt like superwoman! lol

There was only one negative thing. The car park is not close to the building and I had to walk on a slight hill. After the lesson, trying to walk with my wet towel was awful, I was nearly in tears. When I got in my  car though, I drove around the building and found a little alley which is closer to the entrance that has double yellow lines. Thank God for my blue badge.


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