Slow and Steady

Posts Tagged ‘undiagnosed

That’s what my counsellor has said.

Well no actually, I’m slightly exaggerating (drama queen? Me? Never!)

He said I need to let myself grieve for the me who has gone.  Because even if I became pain free tomorrow,  life wouldn’t go back to how it was before. He’s right, it wouldn’t. I’m so scared of allowing myself to get upset, because honestly… I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying

I’ve been in pain since Wednesday. It didn’t help that the cab driver drove like an idiot all the way home on Wednesday.

I saw my doctor yesterday and begged him for help. Bless him, he’s not very good with tears, but he did his best and referred me to a rheumatologist, he doesn’t believe they’ll find anything though.

He said ‘you’re clutching at straws you know’. I asked him whether or not he’d clutch on straw after being in pain for 2.5 years, he didn’t answer, wrote out the referral and faxed it as well as sending it out by post.

He gave me more pills, and asked me loads of questions about my job, like if I get on with the people, and if the work is hard. I think that he was trying to see whether or not I’m making excuses to go back off sick.

I told him how much I was enjoying it, and showed him the text message I got from my manager there thanking me for my work.  He said that I’ve done really well to get myself back, and that I should keep trying at work as it’s only been 2 weeks.

I agree, I think I need to do it for about 4 weeks to make a proper assessment. I’m very concerned that I’ve stopped swimming because of this though. I don’t want my health to get worse for that company, as they sure as hell aren’t thinking of me.

It’s funny, all the time I’ve been questioning if swimming helps, and now I haven’t been, I’ve noticed that my body feels sore and tense. So it’s actually keeping me from feeling more pain. I know now that I’m not going in vain.

I’ve been doing callanetics, and it’s quite nice. It works some really deep muscles because when I did it one evening,(TMI coming up…) I nearly bought back up my dinner, and it was a good few hours after! I’ll be doing them on a empty stomach from now on.


The day finally came! I’ve been looking forward to this for ages, I was hoping for some answers finally.

I got there 45 minutes early to give myself time to get the right wing. Good thing too, it was such a long walk. The letter said that I should park in the main car park, it was so wrong! It took me nearly 40 minutes to get there.

I haven’t been into the main entrance of the hospital before. The first thing I thought was ‘why is there a burger king in a hospital’? I mean really, they cannot be serious?

My appointment was at 2 and I was seen about 10 to 3. I reread my list of things to ask, and tell the doctor.

There were training consultants there and as I walked in the consultant started firing off questions. I answered and it was so nice to feel like I was being taken seriously. He tested my reflexes, and said that they were too brisk and without me saying so announced that he wanted to get a scan done of my whole spine.

He said that he thinks my back is muscular, but the neck is something that needs to be investigated. He told the nurse I need an urgent scan and an urgent appointment.

While in the waiting room, I heard a lot of people being given appointments for November for their follow up appointment after scanning. Mine is in July! That means it will definitely be done in the next 5 weeks.

He did say what I may possibly have, but not to me to the trainees and to be honest I was too overwhelmed to ask questions. I did tell him that I find it hard to lie in one position so he made a note that I may need to be sedated.

So all in all, I’m a happy bunny.

I’m going to give the pool a miss tomorrow, no driving for me for a few days I think!

I phoned the ERC today to see where I stand on having my contract terminated by the company I work for.

They can do it.

If I can’t do my job role, then they have to make reasonable adjustments to give me alternative work.

It’s not that they aren’t making reasonable adjustments, my problem is that I cannot get to work. It’s too far for me to drive, and too many steps and changes on public transport.

The adviser told me to contact Access to Work to see if they can pay for me to get to work, and asked me if I could get down there, would I be able to manage working?

The answer is no.

The drive alone is hard, and let’s not forget what happened when I tried to take a Spanish class.

The only thing I can do, the adviser said, is to ask them for more time to recover.

That’s it.

*deep sigh*

I’m jealous of people who have a name for their pain.

My back and neck pain have turned my world upside down. I haven’t worked for over a year, depleted my savings, have had to move back to my mums and have nights like tonight when not even my sleeping tablets get me to sleep.
I’ve had to fight for a benefits I didn’t want, all I want is my life back.
I’ve been lumped with the term ‘whiplash’ and ‘lower back pain’

I’ve tried physio, acupuncture, chiropractic, osteopathy, hydrotherapy all things that are suppose to cure the above and yet here I am still in so much pain.

I don’t have full rotation in my neck. I cannot drive for any longer than 20 minutes without it ceasing up.
My lower back feels like there is a nut there and every time I walk, a wrench is screwing the nut tighter so my steps get smaller as it gets more and more painful. Eventually I just stop, it hurts too much to continue.
I can’t sit for too long cause it hurts.
I can’t stand for too long cause it hurts.
If I knew it was something that could be fixed, I could make a plan of action and work towards a goal.
If I knew it was something that couldn’t be fixed, then I could resign from my very physical job, and try and find something else.
Not knowing is just leaving me in limbo. I feel like if I stop hoping to get well then I’m being lazy, but  it’s so upsetting when time after time I try something new and it doesn’t work.
I’m so fed up.
Yesterday I thought I paced myself, however the fact I haven’t slept and can hardly move means I was wrong. Let’s put it in context all I did was make some food and go to the shop.  Hardly back breaking work is it?
I just hope I’m going to be able to go downstairs. I can’t some days, but I’m home alone this weekend.
Hey I guess I could stand to lose some weight anyway.
I have to make jokes and laugh because I’m bored and fed up of crying.